The reason why I HATE peanut butter, and irrational fear number 25

I would like to preface this post by saying that irrational fear number 25 is NOT the fear of peanut butter...


I don't know if any of you have pets, but if you have ever had to give a pet medicine, it is damn near impossible. First you try to be the nice guy and give it up like its a delicious treat. Nope not working.

Then you put it in their mouth for them, and hope that maybe its the flavor of awesome and the dog will love it and eat it. Nope, spits it out in a dissolved gelatinous mess that renders the pill useless and now you are down one pill. Then you start thinking "Crap if I waste this next one this dog is definitely going to get sick and die... or maybe just a little uncomfortable".

So then you put the pill in its mouth and hold its jaw closed, all the while feeling like your dog is going to end up shaking and crying on one of those Sarah McLachlan "Angels" comercials, so you let go hoping that it was long enough and the dog finally swallowed the damn pill. Nope; gelatinous mess on the floor.

Then you start getting pissed "Just take the damn pill! Don't you want to feel better?!" and promptly feel bad for yelling at a poor sick and helpless animal. Finally the light bulb goes off and you get the bright idea to use peanut butter...

And this is where things really go south. You start out with the pill inside a blob of peanut butter on a spoon so that you don't have to get all gross and covered in peanut butter but he somehow managed to lick around the pill but at least he didn't ruin it this time.

So now you have to put the pill inside the peanut butter and put the peanut butter on your finger and your finger in the dogs mouth (Gross, the things we do for our animals). The dog finally eats the pill and the peanut butter, but then hes got this Tom Hanks "Big" thing going on, where he eats the caviar and immediately tries to scrape it off his tongue using his teeth. Kind of hilarious to watch a dog do, but then you get the smell of dog breath and wet peanut butter...

So now every time I open a jar of peanut butter I think of wet peanut butter dog breath and kind of gag a little which is a problem because now we get into irrational fear number 25... I am pretty much convinced that I actually am so skinny I look like Skeletor:

"Oh stop it! You are being so silly!"

 if Skeletor were female, but that no one will tell me. That combined with my recent diet overhaul into healthy food land, and my dramatic increase in physical activity probably makes me look like I have an eating disorder, which is irrational fear number 25; Everyone thinks I have an eating disorder and  they all want to feed me a giant hamburger. So now every night I gag a little as I make myself a peanut butter sandwich before bed in my pathetic attempts at gaining weight.

Also, if for some reason we find ourselves roommates in the future, I will never EVER wash a jar of peanut butter thus they will never be recycled, and you are just going to have to deal with it.