Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the stained glass process

So I know you are all wondering how an amazing artist like myself goes about the "artistic process". Well... it goes a little something like this

1) Come up with a really epic amazing fantastic so freaking exciting idea for a window.

2) Do NOT write it down because you are SO freaking excited about it and its so awesome, that how could you possibly forget what it was

3) Immediately forget what the idea was.

4) Also immediately forget the fact that you had a really epic amazing fantastic freaking exciting window idea in the first place

5) Allow anywhere between 3 days and two weeks pass

6) Suddenly remember the idea at two in the morning and think you will remember what it was because, hello, it just woke you up from a peaceful slumber

7) Allow two more days to go by

8) FINALLY write down fantastic amazing idea

9) Give it another week or so for good measure, just to let the idea sink in

10) In a fit of creative energy begin drawing up said idea, but only after 8 or 9 at night

11) Edit drawing for insomniac induced insanity, and/or peices that are just not humanly possible with out a huge saw

12) Contemplate leaving in said insanity and using said saw

13) Remember saw is broken and curse the heavens, and remove crazy insanity

14) Allow another week go by because you don't want to talk to the squeeky oily teenager that works at the FedEx office copy center place

15) Finally make three copies of the design, roll them up and promptly leave them in the backseat of your car for three days

16) Pick out the glass you want to use, this could take anywhere from 20 minutes to a week because damnit that just isn't the right sage green and it has those weird circle-y things in the texture of the glass, and OMG it would look so cool for lily pads but this window doesn't have lily pads so I STILL NEED A NEW GREEN

17) Try REALLY REALLY hard not to throw things because they will shatter and also you cant throw tantrums anymore

18) Get over your fit and try to find those designs that you SWORE you brought into the house but they aren't in the studio and they aren't in your room, and they aren't in your designated spot of crap of the kitchen table so WHERE THE HELL... oh wait... yes.... they are in your car....

19) Finally start cutting out all the millions of pieces from the paper copies and laying them out on the glass, and start wondering why you like to do this so much, and why the hell you ALWAYS make sure there are at least ten really tiny peices and at least 7 really really hard to cut ones, and start hating yourself for making the design so hard

20) After you've cut at least 100 pieces, you also have to cut up little pieces of double sided tape, and peel the little backing off of it. You should probably start researching specialists in your area to treat the inevitable carpel tunnel you will have. That should actually probably be step one

21) Go back to all the pieces that have been so methodically taped on the glass (And make sure they are all going in the right "direction" because mom will DEFINITELY point that one out) and trace all of the pieces with a sharpie

22) Cut out and grind all of the pieces... this can take anywhere from a week to 3 months depending on how many pieces and how freaking excited you are about the window

23) Stab yourself at least 9 times, and slice yourself at least twice bad enough to probably need stitches

24) Go rock climbing because that's a really good idea to do immediately after slicing your hands open; the chalk stops the blood flow and I heard that's really healthy.

25) foil every single piece, sometimes multiple times. Make sure to do this late at night, and try to do the entire window all in one night, just to make sure you feel extra awesome the next day. You should probably also look into a masseuse

26) Get SUPER excited because its almost done and its going to look AWESOME

27) Solder

28) Immediately want to smash it on the ground because you are overly critical and not living up to your own expectations

29) Slip into a creative black hole for a few weeks

30) Repeat

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